Friday, April 25, 2008

Littler should be easier...

Right? Less baby should mean less work? Only while I do think I have a pretty easy going baby there are several "special needs" she has. I hesitate in calling her "special needs" or "different" because she doesn't have a handicap, except she is small. I feel like people think she is some freak show "Hey look the tiniest baby in the world"! Its hard to hear people say "She is so tiny" before they say "She is so cute". Duh she is tiny, I know, I see her 24/7. (I can see my lack of frequent human contact is making me a little hostile.)
Back to the subject, Emolyn's "special needs". You know when a baby cries you want to jiggle it or rock it, you can't do that with her. Her central nervous system did not yet fully develop inside so its developing now. So she is extra sensitive to ALL movement, sound, light, etc. So when she cries because her tummy hurts all you an do it hold her close until she has a big fart and feels better, sometimes thats like 20 minutes of your baby screaming in your face and you know there is nothing you can do. If you move her too much she feels anxious and has that startle reflex all the time! We have to feed her on her side so she will eat more. She is getting worse and worse at breast-feeding every time I try because she has no levels of hunger, there is not hungry and starving. She doesn't want to waste her time breast feeding she just wants the bottle. So, alas, I feed her and pump so each eating takes twice as long as it would if I could just breast feed. And I have to supplement her milk with formula so she gets more calories so I couldn't breast feed all the time even if I wanted to. Less than 10% of her clothes fit which requires more laundry, she has a tiny little butt so the diaper has nothing to hold onto so her poo leaks out. If she is too stimulated she won't wake up to eat so I have to wake her up, and if she doesn't eat enough she won't gain weight and I will look like a horrible mom. And I can't do any normal mom things and I can't show off my baby because if she gets around any germs she has no stamina in her little body to fight off infection. So a cold would land her in the hospital. And typically babies with respiratory problems as infants will develop a susceptibility to respiratory problems later in life such as asthma or chronic bronchitis. So I have to protect her so much now to prevent life long problems. So please don't be sad about not seeing her or holding her because she will be around for a long time. This time is just so important for us to protect her. So here is a time line. Maybe to go out of the house and accept visitors in late June or July. Not to church before August. So there you go. The limitations of my house arrest.
I guess thats enough of whoa is me for today. Someone told me recently I was grieving the loss of my plan. My plan for a natural delivery on or near my due date to a healthy 7.6 lb baby who I could take home right away and bring to church and start my life as a mom doing normal mom stuff. But instead I got a beautiful healthy tiny little girl when I wasn't really expecting it. And I spent a month watching her be poked and prodded while others took care of her and I had to leave her everyday. I never thought of it that way. Grieving. But it makes sense. And now I have accepted my new reality and I gingerly carry around my fragile baby and listen to her scream in my ear and examine all her boogers for signs of infection and give her gross multivitamin drops that stain her clothes. My new reality is different but I get to spend it with Emolyn, who I think might have smiled on purpose yesterday while under a "kiss attack"! So now for what you all want. New pics:

Walking around town with her daisy dukes on!
Sleeping on Dad
Sleeping in her pack-n-play. It only lasted an hour but she did it, we are advancing past only being able to sleep in the bouncy seat!
I almost forgot! Can you tell she has grown? She is 5 lbs 4 oz!


Nicole T said...

Winston is right, she does look like she has a big head!

Miranda said...

She is so beautiful!! I love her little shorts. I am praying for you sis, that you would have peace and joy in your unique situation. It seems I am reading and hearing more about the dangers of preemie births, which makes me realize all the time how fortunate that we have a Savior bigger than circumstances that He would bless us beyond anything we could hope for. I love you both!!

brandi said...

OMG Nicole, I feel your pain!!! I know what it is like. You are really doing a great job! I have had the exact same feelings that you are having right now. It is very hard some days to adjust to having a little person that you are caring for 24/7. You are both doing a fantastic job. It will get easier, and when you look at that sweet baby, it makes it all worth it.

kristen said...

What a cutie! I love her! Okay so nursing is a big fat challenge but you are doing awesome especially since you pump and give a bottle every feeding. You are an awesome mom because you are so dedicated to her and she will benefit from that greatly! You are so in my prayers for everything but mainly the feeding situation because I know how frustrating it can be! I cried so much for the first few weeks just trying to figure out the nursing thing and when I did have to pump too I cried more. So girl you are mother of the year in my books!
xoxo for emolyn!

Michelle said...

Way to go five point four.

the daisy duke comment made me laugh out loud!!!

Gramnda Beckie said...

You girls are doing great! A few month delay for parties, church, shopping and girls night out is ok, we have a life time together. I will say it is so fun to see how much personality she has and you capture it so well in the photo's and your comments, you are lettng everyone in....think of it this way, say she was born in Antartica and you and Shawn were scientist stuck in the dark for 6 months, the three of you would be oooh so far away, I hate the cold, I could not come visit. I'm glad you are here.

Kelly said...

I weighed 5 lbs 4 oz when I was born 30 years ago. People were scared to hold me because of my size. So, my poor mother had to hold me (joking). When I did start to look bigger, I wouldn't let anyone hold me but my parents. My parents can feel your pain. I can't because my child wasn't tiny at birth but I wouldn't let anyone hold him. Still don't and he's 3.

jeanine said...

nicole - she is so cute. i love the little picture of her sleeping on the pink blanket :)
hang in there, my friend!

Skerrib said...

She's so little! She's so cute!

OK, I'll stop...

Our good friends' daughter was a preemie and they went thru all the stuff you're describing. It was a royal pain. Now she is over 18 months and pretty much like any normal kiddo--very few lingering effects.

Your humor and your honesty are both wonderful things. Grieve well and take all the time you need. It WILL get better!

CM Trifanoff said...

Dearest Nicole,
Though I don't know you as well as your loving mother, Beckie, I have met you on 3A and am blessed for the privilege. Your precious Emolyn is so beautiful! Your cherished daughter is proof of Psalm 139: 13-16
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me
were written in your book before one of them came to be." Praise Jesus! May HE give you an abundance of strength and encouragement during your time of recovery.

She IS beautiful! Elohim created a precious beauty and I praise HIm for the new life HE brought into your life.

Enjoy each blessed moment. Cry when you need to cry. Remember, joy comes in the morning. HE places HIS hand upon her life and upholds His promises for you and your family. Halleluiah!

In Christ,
Christina T.